The Glow Up – My Journey to Loving Myself

Hi my Loves!

It has been a while since I posted on the blog, my apologies, things have been so busy. If you didn’t know, I am having vlogmas on my YouTube channel here and of course there’s behind the scenes footage of this shoot here. Don’t forget to join in on the vlogmas fun!!! Anyway, back to today’s blog post. If you have been following me for a while, you know that some life changing things have happened in the past 6 months. I hate talking about this specific issue because it reminds me of a time I lost myself looking for love. But if you haven’t already guessed – yes, it was a break-up.

This blog post is not aimed at dwelling on the past and what was and was not done. And as much as I wish this ended cordially, it didn’t. So many feelings run through my mind right now but I wish to forget them all. Through this experience, I have learned to truly, deeply love myself, something I neglected to do and this is me telling you how.

I wondered for weeks on end what went wrong, why wasn’t I good enough, what caused this to happen, because in my head everything was perfect. I cried for two weeks while keeping myself composed to the outside world and as I did, it took me back to my 14 year old self. Wow, what a time that was! I was insecure about the way I looked, convinced I was ugly and would spend hours in my room crying, wondering if I was even good enough to be taking up space on this planet. I was fighting so many internal demons. When I was 16, I realized that looks didn’t matter and that it didn’t matter if I had acne, stretch marks or scarring on my body because true beauty came from within. Those demons would still haunt me. But in 2013, something changed, my High School teachers thought I was good enough to become Head Prefect – what me? Aw hell no. I stayed up all night trying to figure out what was happening after that awards ceremony. I pondered for hours on end, till maybe 3am. And then it hit me…..

This whole time, I thought I wasn’t good enough for any good reason and an entire school staff thought I was good enough to become Head Prefect. I remember thinking to myself that morning before I eventually fell asleep, “They must see some sort of potential that I don’t see in myself“. I spent that whole year trying to understand what was so special about me and I never quite figured it out to be honest but my personality felt somewhat validated. The end of the year had come, I had been accepted into university and I was moving to Johannesburg – a moment I had waited for since forever.

But moving to a new place didn’t mean leaving the demons behind. I have to admit, my physical appearance played a big role in most of my issues. I had full blown acne at the age of 12, along with stretch marks and all those ugly things that come with puberty. I never loved myself – what was there to love anyway? I could never accept compliments and I would always question if the person who gave me a compliment was blind or wanted something from me. It is draining always questioning why people think you’re good looking, until one day, someone said to me: “just say thank you“. And so I did, it didn’t mean I agreed with them but it definitely was a lot less draining.

New place, new faces, pushed way out of my comfort zone, why did I choose Somatology again? – oh yeah! I believe in passion over paycheck. But man did that passion thing come with more demons which I had to face and slowly but surely, I overcame them, with the help of my YouTube Channel of course. There’s something about being in such a vulnerable space that gives you a sense of confidence, I still don’t know what it is.

The truth is my acne scars, my stretch marks and all my flaws made me feel like less attractive, like why me? Why must I be cursed with all the skin problems? And to top it off, I was ugly(or so I thought). By the end of my first year of university, I had a “fake it till you make it” outlook on life in general. Even though my acne made me feel ugly, I wasn’t going to let you know that. And man did that mentality get me a long way.

It wasn’t up until the last few months that I found happiness in myself and learnt to love myself. How was I looking for love all this while but had no love for me, no love for Saneshnie??? I legit had to give myself a pep talk after the first two weeks of crying was over.

I’M DONE! I’M TIRED! I AM GOOD ENOUGH DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

A high school friend of mine and I were talking and I vented about the situation, to which he calmly replied over text: “Look in the mirror, and tell me what you lost?“, tears started welling in my eyes. I haven’t lost anything! And at that moment, I realized that I had found myself. So what’s the secret you may ask??? Read on to find out.

I remember reading somewhere, “Accept all the things you can’t change”. And that is exactly what I did.

I accepted!

I accepted that I wasn’t good enough for this specific person but I was good enough for myself and that’s all that mattered. We often look for validation in relationships but why don’t we look to ourselves and all the things we have achieved.

I accepted that my stretch marks are scars left from puberty and there’s nothing I can do about it. Who cares if people look at my stretch marks and think its ugly?! It’s my body and my battle scars!

I accepted and came to terms with the fact that I may not be the most beautiful person in the world, but there’s only one me and people see true beauty regardless of superficial features.

And most importantly, I accepted that I only have one life, I can’t waste it on obsessing over my flaws while missing out on what life has to offer.

I must admit, I never thought I would actually have done a photoshoot. But this was my way of showing how far I’ve come and proving to myself that I can do anything and everything, flaws included. These pictures are far from flawless and my friend Dani captured me so well, no amount of words can describe <3…

This photoshoot was called “The Glow Up” not to prove anything to anyone but to prove to myself that I AM GOOD ENOUGH with or without validation from anyone else! Through this photoshoot, I was able to see myself through someone else’s eyes and man, what a sight I have been missing out on all this time.

When I look at myself in these pictures, I see happiness. I see contentment. My eyes tells stories of struggles that have been overcome with great difficulty. You know they say the prettiest eyes have cried the most tears – its these eyes! I never saw any part of myself as pretty except for my eyes, I know I’m weird like that.

These pictures for me represent someone who knows her self-worth and who may not be perfect but whose hard work validates everything she has achieved. 

I hope that through sharing my journey, it will help at least one of you learn to love yourself and see yourself as the amazing person everyone else sees.

I love you guys so much, I wish you all the love and light for the festive season and the New year to come.

This was a collaboration with my new found best friend Danielle, she’s an amazing photographer and so talented beyond words.

Her instagram handle is: @dp_photography5

Watch my behind the scenes photoshoot video here:

 

Until the next one – Don’t forget to Slay, All Day, Err’Day, With & Without Makeup,

Sanesh